One thing

Eric asks if I have one thing to say to millions of people, what is it?

Good question. It's not something I've created and it was something hard to come by, what many tried to teach me and I couldn't learn until practicing it and hearing it over and over again.

Breathe. Relax. Smile.

It doesn't have to be fake. It doesn't have to suck. I can be grateful and I can be kind. (Unlike when the narrator of Don Juan tried to solve the couple's marital problems and reported "their treatment was not kind," and then the young Juan threw a pail of water on him "unawares." That's the kind of thing that can happen if I don't mind my own business.)

Questions of Travel

Today's #Trust30 prompt from Chris Guillebeau is about travel. Where would I go and what would I do to get there?

I'm not much of a traveller. Throughout my life I've experienced free floating anxiety whenever the prospect of going anywhere is on the horizon. "Airport stomach," my first wife and I used to call it, and she claimed she never had it until she met me. I suspect because I made a lifetime of putting things off for tomorrow, a travel date represented the most anxiety-provoking thing for me, namely, right now, today, I have to do the thing that was planned, not just put it off for the future.

I've relaxed a little since then, feeling life's hold a little more loosely. Just starting a new job I don't feel I can take time off in the future. I have traveled little. My favorite city is Paris. I love the historic buildings, the art, the gardens, the Seine. However, I would like to visit Strasbourg, where my brother has lived for years. He has a new family and a baby on the way. Many times in the past he has asked me to come visit him in France. We connected twice in Paris (on each of my visits with former wife and current wife,) but I've never seen his French city on the Rhine where evidently the streets still have German names.

And this not visiting my brother, saving money, making arrangements, making a commitment, is part of a larger picture, hiding from my brother, hiding from fear of being judged unworthy by him and feeling the lash of his criticism. We've both grown and I've relaxed over many years and we see each other differently. He has never not been supportive. Whereas I would be influenced by his opinion, I can follow my own influences, and we can disagree and I can not take it personally and assume I'm wrong or that even being wrong is the question. So engaging with this man to whom I am closest genetically and biologically and yet there is such a gulf between us, not just geographically, carries meaning for me to make this a priority with time and money. And it would be great to take the kiddos, though I am not sure how David will react to the French, he's probably watched too much South Park.

The tube and I

I had to have an MRI today to find out what's causing this pain I've had for about a month, running from my neck all down my left arm. My doctor thinks it's a slipped disc. While it hasn't gotten any better, it hasn't gotten any worse. A month ago I went in for the scan and as soon as the techs put me in the machine, I panicked and fled. I didn't think I was claustrophobic, but I know now. As soon as I saw the glass come down and felt myself pushed into the tube, I felt as if buried alive and asked to be set free. It was another month before I could get an appointment. This time my doctor gave me a sedative which I took half-an-hour before, and I also wore a sleeping mask. When they pushed me into the magnet, I started to panic again and something stopped me, made me decide to stick it out and see what would happen, perhaps the vague understanding that the whole procedure would take about twenty minutes. Once I was inside, I began to relax and listen to my breath, and feel it flowing through me, and not caring about the loud racking noises, thankfully muted by earplugs. Clearly when I swallowed it affected the machine or the signal, I felt a different effect. After a while, I thought I might like a beer. It was a series of little hurdles, four to five minute intervals, and the kind technician checking on me after each one.

Then I wondered, in our age of nanotechnology, has there been any thinking/exploration to devise a less drastic form of this equipment, something that might capture images without traumatizing some of us, that could be used to target (hypothetically) the affected area?